5 Stages of Grief

So, I have been doing A LOT of thinking today and after a few recent events and a plethora of emotions, some I didn't even realize I could feel, for some reason it got me to thinking about where I stand in this whole process. I remember from all 3 of my psychology classes we always discussed Kuebler-Ross and the 5 stages of grief. I couldn't imagine even being close to being through any of them because it feels like the grief process starts all over everyday from the beginning. There are days I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day and no matter what I do differently, the day always starts out and ends exactly the same.

That's not to say I don't have my good days as well, but the thoughts and emotions and questions of this entire situation consume my every waking moment. One day I will feel as though being friends with the X is something I can cope with, but the minute I starting thinking about his situation with this other person, and our failed attempt at what I feel could have been a great marriage, having him not in my life sounds to be the best option. The pain is just to tangible.

We have two beautiful babies together, they need me and they need their dad. T, is an excellent dad and does his best to guide our children in the difference between right and wrong, he plays baseball in the backyard with our son, and even as we are not together, it warms my heart and makes me love him that much more to see his bond with his child. There is something very beautiful about seeing a father with his baby daughter and the softness and tenderness that he provides to her. As I was out today with my family, I kept coming back to the sadness I felt with not having my husband with me. The trips to the lake last few summers will be forever a wonderful memory in my mind. I can't imagine sharing that with anyone else, I just fear it won't feel right. That was our time together, to have fun and be together. I question why isolation is not a stage. Even though I was with people who love me the most in the world, I still felt alone and empty.

With that being said,

There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.

1)Denial- I feel as though this one came and went in the blink of an eye. I am not sure if I set our marriage up for failure to begin with because I think I was always questioning if we would make it. I do not deny my shortcomings, nor do I deny my contribution to the failed marriage. I remember when my grandmother passed away I went through denial, I just kept feeling like this can't be true, I just talked to her earlier today. It's all a bad dream. I think losing a marriage is far different than losing a spouse to divorce or another person. It is something that is staring you in the face and you have no choice but to acknowledge it.

2)Ill summarize phase 2-4 A)Anger, B)Bargaining C) Depression. I choose to put these together because I am in the midst of all 3 at the moment. My anger right now is very difficult to deal with, I am not a vindictive person, but I can't help but question if he is even feeling half of the pain that I am right now, and if not, why? Would I be capable of doing something out of spite or anger to cause him to feel pain, on purpose? To answer my own question, no I wouldn't, when he feels hurt or pain, I feel hurt and pain, and adding anything on top of this would be the last thing I ask for. I would never wish this feeling on my worse enemy, and he is by far not my worst enemy, I spent 8 years, every waking moment with this person, and even though what has happened in our marriage is not something that should have ever been tolerated by either parties, I still hold a very deep affinity in my heart for him. Bargaining, I'll have to come back to that one, not sure if there is anything he could give me that he hasn't already. Good and Bad. Depression, oh how I've come to know this so fondly. Depression certainly is the most noticeable, can't eat (how I am still functioning is beyond me) Can't sleep, can barely keep my mind on one solid thought for any extended period of time, I barely even love on my children these days, when I know they need it most. I am so scared to feel anything. I don't want to cry in front of them. I want to be strong and radiate strength.

The final stage, stage 5 is acceptance. We all know that God wants us to accept that which we can not change. I am still trying to figure out how the world will keep rotating without having him in it on the level to which I was accustomed. I can honestly say I liked being able to say "That's my husband, I am his wife" It was a title that I felt had many implications behind it. Commitment, respect, affection, etc..In our wedding vows, we wrote our own, and I remember listing all these reasons to why I love him most, aside from the spoiling with the shoes and purses, I remember telling him, I will love you when your at your worst, I will love you when your at your best. I will stand by your side and help you navigate through this life, forsaking all others. I am far from accepting that I will no longer be able to stay true to my words and commitment.

I love him, all of him. But, I will have to find a way to navigate through life without him. He will be in my life forever. That is a given.

Jagged Little Pill

In keeping up with the theme of the title, and my indescribable affinity for music, I started thinking of a song this morning. The country song, "I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about my, wanna talk about me my oh my, what I think, what I like, what I want,etc.." something to that effect. I have never been one to put myself first. The daily hustle and bustle of my life is consumed around mom and wife duties. It was cooking, cleaning, folding the x's millionth pair of socks. I am happy to say that duty is no longer my responsibility. I will find a way to focus on me, and healing me. So, through all my conversations with my friends and family that have provided me with nonstop and unrelenting support, they all say the same thing. "Life is now about you, you get to live life on your terms" This is a jagged little pill for me to swallow, it is unknown, its not secure, and its not mapped out. YIKES!

The X went on a date last night, I saw it coming, but somehow convinced myself that he would give me a little more respect and time than less than a week. As I reflect back, I can only come to one conclusion, he moved on a long time ago, his heart was elsewhere before I even realized it. It just took one of us to initiate the separation before he could openly do what he's wanted to do for God knows how long. I'm an idiot, this whole week, helping him and being his friend was my utmost priority. I was deceived, manipulated, and stupid. I don't hate him, I can't blame him for who he is, it's all he knows.

I have been the advocate to his choices, the one all along holding his hand, righting his wrongs, and accepting and forgiving such horrendous behavior. As per yesterdays post, I do feel like a large majority of this is my fault. Certainly, his behavior is not my fault, but the position I am in is my fault because I allowed to happen. I did a lot of horrendous things in our marriage as well, that I would take back in a second. I would go back and start over and never hurt him the way I hurt him. It's been 2 years since I recommitted myself to him. I vowed to never ever hurt him again. I stopped doing all the things that I was doing in the past, it just wasn't enough. I tried to establish some sort of normal routine and consistency, but T's behavior has been the only thing that has been consistent throughout this 8 year experience. That is one thing I can absolutely say about our marriage.

Going through a divorce is all new to me. We have separated multiple times, but we always came back together. I never allowed myself to fully accept the pain and the loss. It has been brought to my attention that no one knows about the X's new girl, I am not surprised that he has not told anyone. I can only assume that he is keeping her a secret because maybe he is ashamed of his behavior, or I can only hope, at least then I would know that he is somewhat human after all. I myself do not even feel human right now, I feel like a zombie just going through the motions.

Eh, I suppose I should not be surprised by what has transpired. Wait, wasn't this blog suppose to be about me, and what makes me happy? lo and behold I am focusing on T, again. As, Ive done for quite some time now. Long story short, I want my children to be proud of me, to say that my mom made the best life for us against all adversity and turmoil, I want to (eventually) meet someone who will see my true value and treat my heart as a fragile, and something that is not to be tampered with, I want someone to realize when its time to man up and take his licks, instead of blaming me for all of his problems. Most importantly, I want to be happy with being me, in my skin, and know that my worth alone will allow me to be as picky as I want. Great men are hard to find, because otherwise they all wouldn't be that great.

I will pick my head up, I will move on, and I will be able to carry around my pride an dignity because I know that I am a good person, and that I treat people with respect.

The Fairytale's End

So I have decided to chronicle my married to divorcee experience.

Sitting at home with racing thoughts running through my head have proved to be unproductive and quite frankly, drive me stir crazy. The time has come for this fairytale to end. The husband, whom I will refer to as T, is over it as well. I use the term fairytale very loosely, at least, in my mind I saw the potential for it be a fairytale. . I think he never read stories about the Princess in her castle as she desperately waits for her Prince. I feel as though his perception of a Prince is somewhat askew. This is not to say he didn't give me many years of always making me feel safe and protected, but the part about forsaking all others, and fighting evil dragons to attain his love is the part I am sure he missed.

In the beginning, I felt like I was the only person in his world. I knew that he too felt that life would just be too sucky without me. But over the years, the luster wore off. After multiple attempts to break up and make up, 8 years later, I feel as though we have come to "The End of Our Road" Homage to my favorite heartbreak group.

I initiated the separation a few weeks back, but at the time it didn't feel real. I was ok, I knew I could do this and that I would be ok. But the day I moved out it hit me really hard. I had a million racing thoughts about the course of our marriage and had we exhausted all options to save what little we had left? My passion for this man runs so deep, that I have allowed many things that should ALWAYS be inexcusable to happen on multiple occasions, I became numb to the chaos. But, its amazing how far faith (faith for this man, and faith for my marriage, and faith in my happiness) and ignorance can get you. As they say "Ignorance is Bliss".

But today I still find myself questioning if my life decisions thus far have been conducive and appropriate to getting me to where I am today. If everyone is in your life for some greater purpose, then what is he suppose to teach me?. Why have we always come back to each other? Are we done? Does he see how desperately I just want to hold him in my bubble, protect him, keep him safe, and make him know that everything will be ok? He just has to trust in me, and allow me guide him to a happier life. I fear that navigating life on his own will prove to be a difficult challenge. I have the answers, I know how to fix his issues, but his cranium was crafted with concrete.

I find myself in a situation I really don’t know how to deal with. I know what I want but I’ve been locked in a dungeon and I am not strong enough to break down the door.

When I look at him I see a beaten man, and not being there to help him would be just one more thing to bring him down and it’s not in my nature to kick a man when he’s down. But, if I stay I could still be living in silent misery.

In the back of my mind there is a voice screaming “He never endured any consequences for his behavior. He knows my heart and forgiveness for his actions are never ending, thus causing the habitual behavior and he knows I won’t leave". That voice is getting louder. I would like to believe he wouldn’t take advantage of me like this… but I’m not sure. I’m really not sure.

I wish I could just turn my back on him but I can’t. I’ve been told what happens to him is not my problem… no, maybe it’s not, but it sure feels like it’s my fault.

So I have decided to chronicle my married to divorcee experience.

Sitting at home with racing thoughts running through my head have proved to be unproductive and quite frankly, drive me stir crazy. The time has come for this fairytale to end. The husband, whom I will refer to as T, is over it as well. I use the term fairytale very loosely, at least, in my mind I saw the potential for it be a fairytale. . I think he never read stories about the Princess in her castle as she desperately waits for her Prince. I feel as though his perception of a Prince is somewhat askew. This is not to say he didn't give me many years of always making me feel safe and protected, but the part about forsaking all others, and fighting evil dragons to attain his love is the part I am sure he missed.

In the beginning, I felt like I was the only person in his world. I knew that he too felt that life would just be too sucky without me. But over the years, the luster wore off. After multiple attempts to break up and make up, 8 years later, I feel as though we have come to "The End of Our Road" Homage to my favorite heartbreak group.

I initiated the separation a few weeks back, but at the time it didn't feel real. I was ok, I knew I could do this and that I would be ok. But the day I moved out it hit me really hard. I had a million racing thoughts about the course of our marriage and had we exhausted all options to save what little we had left? My passion for this man runs so deep, that I have allowed many things that should ALWAYS be inexcusable to happen on multiple occasions, I became numb to the chaos. But, its amazing how far faith (faith for this man, and faith for my marriage, and faith in my happiness) and ignorance can get you. As they say "Ignorance is Bliss".

But today I still find myself questioning if my life decisions thus far have been conducive and appropriate to getting me to where I am today. If everyone is in your life for some greater purpose, then what is he suppose to teach me?. Why have we always come back to each other? Are we done? Does he see how desperately I just want to hold him in my bubble, protect him, keep him safe, and make him know that everything will be ok? He just has to trust in me, and allow me guide him to a happier life. I fear that navigating life on his own will prove to be a difficult challenge. I have the answers, I know how to fix his issues, but his cranium was crafted with concrete.

I find myself in a situation I really don’t know how to deal with. I know what I want but I’ve been locked in a dungeon and I am not strong enough to break down the door.

When I look at him I see a beaten man, and not being there to help him would be just one more thing to bring him down and it’s not in my nature to kick a man when he’s down. But, if I stay I could still be living in silent misery.

In the back of my mind there is a voice screaming “He never endured any consequences for his behavior. He knows my heart and forgiveness for his actions are never ending, thus causing the habitual behavior and he knows I won’t leave". That voice is getting louder. I would like to believe he wouldn’t take advantage of me like this… but I’m not sure. I’m really not sure.

I wish I could just turn my back on him but I can’t. I’ve been told what happens to him is not my problem… no, maybe it’s not, but it sure feels like it’s my fault.