5 Stages of Grief

So, I have been doing A LOT of thinking today and after a few recent events and a plethora of emotions, some I didn't even realize I could feel, for some reason it got me to thinking about where I stand in this whole process. I remember from all 3 of my psychology classes we always discussed Kuebler-Ross and the 5 stages of grief. I couldn't imagine even being close to being through any of them because it feels like the grief process starts all over everyday from the beginning. There are days I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day and no matter what I do differently, the day always starts out and ends exactly the same.

That's not to say I don't have my good days as well, but the thoughts and emotions and questions of this entire situation consume my every waking moment. One day I will feel as though being friends with the X is something I can cope with, but the minute I starting thinking about his situation with this other person, and our failed attempt at what I feel could have been a great marriage, having him not in my life sounds to be the best option. The pain is just to tangible.

We have two beautiful babies together, they need me and they need their dad. T, is an excellent dad and does his best to guide our children in the difference between right and wrong, he plays baseball in the backyard with our son, and even as we are not together, it warms my heart and makes me love him that much more to see his bond with his child. There is something very beautiful about seeing a father with his baby daughter and the softness and tenderness that he provides to her. As I was out today with my family, I kept coming back to the sadness I felt with not having my husband with me. The trips to the lake last few summers will be forever a wonderful memory in my mind. I can't imagine sharing that with anyone else, I just fear it won't feel right. That was our time together, to have fun and be together. I question why isolation is not a stage. Even though I was with people who love me the most in the world, I still felt alone and empty.

With that being said,

There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur.

1)Denial- I feel as though this one came and went in the blink of an eye. I am not sure if I set our marriage up for failure to begin with because I think I was always questioning if we would make it. I do not deny my shortcomings, nor do I deny my contribution to the failed marriage. I remember when my grandmother passed away I went through denial, I just kept feeling like this can't be true, I just talked to her earlier today. It's all a bad dream. I think losing a marriage is far different than losing a spouse to divorce or another person. It is something that is staring you in the face and you have no choice but to acknowledge it.

2)Ill summarize phase 2-4 A)Anger, B)Bargaining C) Depression. I choose to put these together because I am in the midst of all 3 at the moment. My anger right now is very difficult to deal with, I am not a vindictive person, but I can't help but question if he is even feeling half of the pain that I am right now, and if not, why? Would I be capable of doing something out of spite or anger to cause him to feel pain, on purpose? To answer my own question, no I wouldn't, when he feels hurt or pain, I feel hurt and pain, and adding anything on top of this would be the last thing I ask for. I would never wish this feeling on my worse enemy, and he is by far not my worst enemy, I spent 8 years, every waking moment with this person, and even though what has happened in our marriage is not something that should have ever been tolerated by either parties, I still hold a very deep affinity in my heart for him. Bargaining, I'll have to come back to that one, not sure if there is anything he could give me that he hasn't already. Good and Bad. Depression, oh how I've come to know this so fondly. Depression certainly is the most noticeable, can't eat (how I am still functioning is beyond me) Can't sleep, can barely keep my mind on one solid thought for any extended period of time, I barely even love on my children these days, when I know they need it most. I am so scared to feel anything. I don't want to cry in front of them. I want to be strong and radiate strength.

The final stage, stage 5 is acceptance. We all know that God wants us to accept that which we can not change. I am still trying to figure out how the world will keep rotating without having him in it on the level to which I was accustomed. I can honestly say I liked being able to say "That's my husband, I am his wife" It was a title that I felt had many implications behind it. Commitment, respect, affection, etc..In our wedding vows, we wrote our own, and I remember listing all these reasons to why I love him most, aside from the spoiling with the shoes and purses, I remember telling him, I will love you when your at your worst, I will love you when your at your best. I will stand by your side and help you navigate through this life, forsaking all others. I am far from accepting that I will no longer be able to stay true to my words and commitment.

I love him, all of him. But, I will have to find a way to navigate through life without him. He will be in my life forever. That is a given.