Jagged Little Pill

In keeping up with the theme of the title, and my indescribable affinity for music, I started thinking of a song this morning. The country song, "I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about my, wanna talk about me my oh my, what I think, what I like, what I want,etc.." something to that effect. I have never been one to put myself first. The daily hustle and bustle of my life is consumed around mom and wife duties. It was cooking, cleaning, folding the x's millionth pair of socks. I am happy to say that duty is no longer my responsibility. I will find a way to focus on me, and healing me. So, through all my conversations with my friends and family that have provided me with nonstop and unrelenting support, they all say the same thing. "Life is now about you, you get to live life on your terms" This is a jagged little pill for me to swallow, it is unknown, its not secure, and its not mapped out. YIKES!

The X went on a date last night, I saw it coming, but somehow convinced myself that he would give me a little more respect and time than less than a week. As I reflect back, I can only come to one conclusion, he moved on a long time ago, his heart was elsewhere before I even realized it. It just took one of us to initiate the separation before he could openly do what he's wanted to do for God knows how long. I'm an idiot, this whole week, helping him and being his friend was my utmost priority. I was deceived, manipulated, and stupid. I don't hate him, I can't blame him for who he is, it's all he knows.

I have been the advocate to his choices, the one all along holding his hand, righting his wrongs, and accepting and forgiving such horrendous behavior. As per yesterdays post, I do feel like a large majority of this is my fault. Certainly, his behavior is not my fault, but the position I am in is my fault because I allowed to happen. I did a lot of horrendous things in our marriage as well, that I would take back in a second. I would go back and start over and never hurt him the way I hurt him. It's been 2 years since I recommitted myself to him. I vowed to never ever hurt him again. I stopped doing all the things that I was doing in the past, it just wasn't enough. I tried to establish some sort of normal routine and consistency, but T's behavior has been the only thing that has been consistent throughout this 8 year experience. That is one thing I can absolutely say about our marriage.

Going through a divorce is all new to me. We have separated multiple times, but we always came back together. I never allowed myself to fully accept the pain and the loss. It has been brought to my attention that no one knows about the X's new girl, I am not surprised that he has not told anyone. I can only assume that he is keeping her a secret because maybe he is ashamed of his behavior, or I can only hope, at least then I would know that he is somewhat human after all. I myself do not even feel human right now, I feel like a zombie just going through the motions.

Eh, I suppose I should not be surprised by what has transpired. Wait, wasn't this blog suppose to be about me, and what makes me happy? lo and behold I am focusing on T, again. As, Ive done for quite some time now. Long story short, I want my children to be proud of me, to say that my mom made the best life for us against all adversity and turmoil, I want to (eventually) meet someone who will see my true value and treat my heart as a fragile, and something that is not to be tampered with, I want someone to realize when its time to man up and take his licks, instead of blaming me for all of his problems. Most importantly, I want to be happy with being me, in my skin, and know that my worth alone will allow me to be as picky as I want. Great men are hard to find, because otherwise they all wouldn't be that great.

I will pick my head up, I will move on, and I will be able to carry around my pride an dignity because I know that I am a good person, and that I treat people with respect.