Sitting at home with racing thoughts running through my head have proved to be unproductive and quite frankly, drive me stir crazy. The time has come for this fairytale to end. The husband, whom I will refer to as T, is over it as well. I use the term fairytale very loosely, at least, in my mind I saw the potential for it be a fairytale. . I think he never read stories about the Princess in her castle as she desperately waits for her Prince. I feel as though his perception of a Prince is somewhat askew. This is not to say he didn't give me many years of always making me feel safe and protected, but the part about forsaking all others, and fighting evil dragons to attain his love is the part I am sure he missed.
In the beginning, I felt like I was the only person in his world. I knew that he too felt that life would just be too sucky without me. But over the years, the luster wore off. After multiple attempts to break up and make up, 8 years later, I feel as though we have come to "The End of Our Road" Homage to my favorite heartbreak group.
I initiated the separation a few weeks back, but at the time it didn't feel real. I was ok, I knew I could do this and that I would be ok. But the day I moved out it hit me really hard. I had a million racing thoughts about the course of our marriage and had we exhausted all options to save what little we had left? My passion for this man runs so deep, that I have allowed many things that should ALWAYS be inexcusable to happen on multiple occasions, I became numb to the chaos. But, its amazing how far faith (faith for this man, and faith for my marriage, and faith in my happiness) and ignorance can get you. As they say "Ignorance is Bliss".
But today I still find myself questioning if my life decisions thus far have been conducive and appropriate to getting me to where I am today. If everyone is in your life for some greater purpose, then what is he suppose to teach me?. Why have we always come back to each other? Are we done? Does he see how desperately I just want to hold him in my bubble, protect him, keep him safe, and make him know that everything will be ok? He just has to trust in me, and allow me guide him to a happier life. I fear that navigating life on his own will prove to be a difficult challenge. I have the answers, I know how to fix his issues, but his cranium was crafted with concrete.
I find myself in a situation I really don’t know how to deal with. I know what I want but I’ve been locked in a dungeon and I am not strong enough to break down the door.
When I look at him I see a beaten man, and not being there to help him would be just one more thing to bring him down and it’s not in my nature to kick a man when he’s down. But, if I stay I could still be living in silent misery.
In the back of my mind there is a voice screaming “He never endured any consequences for his behavior. He knows my heart and forgiveness for his actions are never ending, thus causing the habitual behavior and he knows I won’t leave". That voice is getting louder. I would like to believe he wouldn’t take advantage of me like this… but I’m not sure. I’m really not sure.
I wish I could just turn my back on him but I can’t. I’ve been told what happens to him is not my problem… no, maybe it’s not, but it sure feels like it’s my fault.
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